The Resurrection Button

Hello all,

In this installment, I would like to pay respect to the lives of those taken away from us without warning or reason, and notate a very useful 7 More Days recommendation.

The Resurrection Button

The premise is fairly straight forward, if you are found within 3 days of death, and someone knows the location of your resurrection button, they can then press it and you will be restored to good health. It is only good for a one time use and of course is non-transferable. This button is also called the Lazarus clause, and because of the biblical references we know that this clause was used at least twice, the second time being by Jesus himself.

So the premise is not with precedent. Imagine coming home finding a loved one in a heap at the bottom of the stairs, having tripped over a squeaky ball left behind by the family pet. Under normal circumstances this would be a done deal, the coroner would arrive cart away your loved one and funeral arrangements would ensue.

But with the Resurrection Button, a simple press to the singularly unique bodily location, and life would surge back into the recently deceased. Broken bones would instantly mend, all injury would be vanquished, and the person would have no lasting traumatic memories of their final moment to speak of. And for those of you with sinister thoughts of the undead roaming the earth, let’s remember that this technology is Heaven sent and perfectly safe.

For those in the throws of depression or puberty, this is the ideal solution. Thanks to the recently developed 7 More Days Patch – all parents are fully aware of the location of their child’s resurrection button from the date of birth. This ensures that in case of suicide, whether intentional or accidental, the ultimate decision of self termination is not theirs to make. This allows for a quick restoration of life, and an immediate trip to the appropriate mental health center.

If by chance you are alone, and death should come calling upon you, do keep in mind that you have only 3 days in which to resurrect, otherwise your fate shall rest with those who keep track of the “Dead for good” types. Fortunately, thanks to GPS technology it is possible to have a life monitor installed on your person. This device will emit a homing beacon to your top three contacts in the event of your death, so that they can reach you before your three days are up.

There are of course a few caveats, no beheading, and severed body parts are not guaranteed to regrow, you may have a nice clean stump where the detachment occurred, but of course – no residual pain.

There are a million ways a person could die, but thanks to the Lazarus Clause, it doesn’t have to be over something stupid.

Coordially yours,

Mr. Black

~ by fblack2 on January 23, 2008.

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